Kitten Perfection

Passive voice (Couldn't find any) : )

Abstract subjects

Linking verbs in S-LV-SC sentences

This is an essay that I turned in last year for my creative writing course. The assignment was to creating a creative nonfiction piece. Here is my draft unchanged from a year ago.

Kitten Perfection

Moving out is a big step towards independence, but an even bigger step is adopting a kitten for your very own; after all those years of my mom telling me, “No, we have too many already.” I never believed there was such a thing as too many cats, ever. It was time, my husband and I are moving to Pullman, Washington to be on our own and to finish college; we had looked to see if there were places to adopt kittens up there but the only ads we could find on craigslist were “Wanted kittens!”, “Pay to take your cat!”, “I’m lonely. Need cats.”

            We convinced my mother to let us get a kitten a month or so before we moved since there is a healthy population of kittens here. It was a perfect sunny day on April 28^th, 2012 when my husband and I drove up to the humane society. Thoughts of kitten fur rubbing my face and that kitten smell of clean fur that made my heart begin to race. I could not wait to have this kitten, to cuddle me, to follow me around, and to make that high pitched mew sound welcoming me home after a long day of work.

We rushed into the building and into the kitten room. We were right; there was a plethora of kittens here. There were black ones, white ones, orange and white ones, and then orange ones. I had no idea where to start; the sound of their adorable high pitched mewing filled my ears, making my heart race. Then, in the far right hand corner, there he was. The fluffiest kitten I have ever seen, I could suffocate on that bright orange fur, and faint from gazing into his bright green eyes. “We’ll take a look at that one, right there.” My husband pointed out the orange fluff ball and the attendant went to get him. I had the jitters all throughout my body, waiting to thrust myself face first into the orange fluff. The attendant brought him out, and handed him to me. He gazed up at me, eyes full of curiosity. I pulled him closer to me and he jumped out of my hands and onto my shoulder, and just sat there. I turned and looked at my husband’s hazel eyes and saw the same thing that I was feeling. This was him! I could feel the bond between us already building as he purred continuously into my ear.

The warm thoughts continued to lighten me as we finished the adoption papers and brought him home. The humane society had given him the name Zipper, but we didn't really feel like that was an appropriate name for such a curious lover. Instead, we named him Sherlock.

And here is my fixed draft using the Lanham method.

Fixed S-LV-SC sentences

Fixed abstract objects

Kitten Perfection

Moving out is a big step towards independence, but adopting a kitten for your very own is an even bigger step. After all those years of my mom telling me, “No, we have too many already.” I never believed there was such a thing as too many cats, ever. The time had come; To finish up our college degrees, my husband and I decided to move to Pullman, Washington. We had looked to see if there were places to adopt kittens up in Pullman, but there was only one type of ad found: “Wanted kittens!”, “Pay to take your cat!”, “I’m lonely. Need cats.”

            We convinced my mother to let us get a kitten a month or so before we moved since there is a healthy population of kittens here. On April 28^th  in the year 2012, the heat of the sun warmed my face as my husband and I drove up to the humane society. Thoughts of kitten fur rubbing my face and that kitten smell of clean fur that made my heart begin to race. I could not wait to have this kitten, to cuddle me, to follow me around, and to make that high pitched mew sound welcoming me home after a long day of work.

We rushed into the building and into the kitten room. There was a plethora of kittens here. There were black ones, white ones, orange and white ones, and then orange ones. I had no idea where to start; the sound of their adorable high pitched mewing filled my ears, making my heart race. Then, in the far right hand corner, there he was. The fluffiest kitten I have ever seen, I could suffocate on that bright orange fur, and faint from gazing into his bright green eyes. “We’ll take a look at that one, right there.” My husband pointed out the orange fluff ball and the attendant went to get him. I had the jitters all throughout my body, waiting to thrust myself face first into the orange fluff. The attendant brought him out, and handed him to me. He gazed up at me, eyes full of curiosity. I pulled him closer to me and he jumped out of my hands and onto my shoulder, and just sat there. I turned and looked at my husband’s hazel eyes and saw the same thing that. This was him! I could feel the bond between us already building as he purred continuously into my ear.

The warm thoughts continued to enlighten me as we finished the adoption papers and brought him home. The humane society had given him the name Zipper, but we didn't really feel like that was an appropriate name for such a curious lover. Instead, we named him Sherlock.

Well, I did reduce the number of words by three, but I think the main reason why it wasn't 50% was because I didn't use any passive voice in this paper; more than likely it is because it was a creative nonfiction piece.